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20-01-2018 Nice to be back, Quito

| Sophie

I have arrived in Ecuador safe and sound, sorry to say bye to England but excited to settle back into my Ecuadorian life! Goodbyes were quite hard this time, and it was tougher than usual to tear myself away from my family and friends, but the further from home I travelled, the more I started to look forward and the easier it became to leave my comfort zone behind. My journey to Ecuador was long and comprised of: a car, boat, bus, train, coach, bus, Travelodge, bus, plane, plane and finally taxi and took 35 hours. Definitely not the longest journey I’ve been on, but exhausting never-the-less!

Getting through Quito airport was a little tricky… they have 2 security checks, each one before and after baggage claim, and I got questioned a lot over my visa situation! I only have another 9 days left on my tourist visa: I’ve applied for a work visa but Ecuador is THE SLOWEST COUNTRY EVER and it’s taken months and I haven’t heard from the visa office at all. So I got a little warning upon entry and was told I must leave after 9 days. When we were applying for work visas, it wasn’t a case of just filling out a form online and sending a couple of emails, because in Ecuador, they don’t reply to emails. (What!??) So you have to SHOW UP everywhere. And these visa offices and universities aren’t near each other – on average they are probably about a 6 hour coach journey from each other. So ‘getting our visas’ translates into zig zagging up and down the country, having meetings and showing our faces so we can pressure them into moving forward in our applications (mine and Heathers). So anyway I got through security with a warning I have no intention of taking seriously, then we teamed up with another traveller to get a taxi to the old town in Quito where we’re staying.

One thing that struck me when I arrived was how familiar Quito feels to me now. It’s a joy to get to know a place and feel safe there, especially when it comes to logistical things; like knowing if a taxi is taking you in the wrong direction and if they are over-charging you! Also, it was an absolute joy to arrive in Ecuador and have enough of a grasp of Spanish that I can communicate with the locals – it makes life so much easier! And I think it’s such a special thing: being able to speak more than one language, it gives you such an insight into other cultures! I’m always so curious when I hear people speaking a different language, I would love to know what they’re saying! It seems so mysterious when you can’t understand, but I bet most of the time it’s just the usual mundane, boring stuff we talk about in English! Speaking all the languages in the world is in my top 3 most-wanted super powers. So being able to understand Spanish is so exciting for me. I’m no expert, but I get by and I am trying to get better all the time.

Another beautiful thing about being back in Ecuador is the music. I was surprised to learn that Spanish music has heavily infiltrated the UK charts when I was home over Christmas, and lots of the songs I cherished as being a part of my South American journey were actually quite well known in England! But I will always associate those songs with Ecuador: the places I’ve been here, the journeys I’ve done, the bars I’ve danced in, the hostels I’ve stayed in. And that is quite magical. Although, true South American music is quite different to Spanish chart music. It’s the more traditional salsa and flamenco that you’ll find playing in local, less touristy areas!

Last night Heather and I went out for a few drinks and we started the night at another Hostel called Minka. We were informed by the staff at our hostel who were also going that it is a bit of a party hostel. When we arrived, however, we weren’t particularly enthused because it was really quiet and there were even 2 guys asleep on the sofas! But we joined a little group outside eating, drinking and smoking and started to have fun and eventually, unsurprisingly, a guitar somehow made its way to the table! A quite accomplished Colombian guy and his girlfriend then proceeded to play a bunch of Latin American songs, harmonising and with a shaker might I add – definitely rehearsed for moments like these, and most of the table were singing along. Now, I know that travelling guitar players have a bit of a bad rep among the British, but I genuinely think it’s because we’re not as open to it, and also there are definitely a few douchebags who ruin it for the whole lot. Unsolicited guitar playing while everyone is quite happily chatting is definitely a dick move, but a group sing-song with a good player and a few beers is actually a really great thing. I actually fall into this group of travelling guitar players so I may be a little biased, but I’m just as happy to sit back and listen as I am to take centre stage. Last night was a bit of both, we spent the first couple of hours soaking in the culture of the passionate South Americans and their fiery music, and by the end of the evening I had a guitar in my hands and was serenading the whole group with I’m Yours and Somewhere over the Rainbow… and I unapologetically loved it.

One of my resolutions in Ecuador is to properly learn a Spanish song by the end of the year! Then I’ll be a real dick when I travel haha, not only playing the guitar and singing, but in another language too. Don’t hate me too much.

So right now I am in my hostel, hungover but feeling really satisfied and comfortable. We chose to stay in Hostel Revolution this time, which is more quiet, because it has a kitchen – a real must for travellers on a budget (which unfortunately is me). It’s nice enough, not as good as Secret Garden but the kitchen has been SO worth it!!

Side note: if anyone is thinking of going travelling, bring a towel dressing gown. It is one of my FAVOURITE things. You avoid the awkwardness of walking around in a towel and its really easy to get changed under – little travel tip. Also!! Second travel tip: Lush shampoo’s and conditioners are AMAZING. They are completely vegan and bio-degradable which is obviously fantastic, but they come in these little bars which sit neatly in a little tub, so super easy to transport and they last for ages!! I washed my hair for the first time with them today and my hair looks really great, so massive advocate for Lush right now! 

Today the weather in Quito is 15 degrees-ish which is pretty perfect for a life admin / movie day in bed. So that is exactly what I’m doing!

An unrequited (uninvited) infatuation.

| Sophie

It’s rather cruel this life we live in black and white, and colour,

The more we have the more we give, the more that we do suffer.

 

The more we learn the less we know, Oh, the irony of knowledge,

An unfair joke, a punchline that we refuse to acknowledge.

 

I’m grieving and I’m sore and I don’t know what to do.

The life I thought I’d have has slipped away from me, it’s true

I’m mourning over something that I never really had,

Except for in my daydreams and imagination… sad.

 

My heart feels bruised beyond repair. The cure I do not know.

No bright future just despair and loneliness and woe…

It all seems rather bleak to me. I’ve waited long enough.

I think I may give up now, all that crap romantic stuff.

 

I know I’m only young ‘cause people tell me all the time

But in my heart I feel as old as hundred-year-old wine

Sitting on a dusty shelf wondering why I’ve been neglected,

Getting weary with the world and sick of being rejected…

 

You see! What happened was that I came to a realisation,

It turns out that they don’t care, a feeling falsification.

I was blinded to this truth, their lack of reciprocation,

My love, an unrequited (uninvited) infatuation.

 

The words were never spoken by them, the feeling not made clear

But their actions, or really lack thereof, confirmed my deepest fear.

They don’t care for me in the same way that I do them,

They probably never have, they just played me on a whim.

 

So now I’m at my senses, clearly I need to move on!

I look forward to the moment when thoughts of them are gone

And to let go of the belief that things might just work out.

I fooled myself, an easy thing to do I’ll never doubt.

 

So with this breath, these words, this text, this poetic finality,

I leave the hopeful lust behind, I set my own heart free.

 

It’s wonderful, the peace it brings, a mind and heart in health,

And the next step in my journey? To learn to love myself.

 

15-01-2018 I really ought to be packing

| Sophie

So it is (almost) that time again. The time to leave my family and friends behind in England and live in another country and culture for a significant period of time. This is, in fact, the 5th time I have taken off to another country with no return flight booked. The shortest period of time away has been 4 months, the longest, 10 months. This time I’m going for an intermediate 6 and a half months, planning to be home sometime at the end of July.

Something I hadn’t really expected to happen, was that each time I go away, it gets harder. It’s meant to get easier, isn’t it? Although I think I was probably at my most reckless and adventurous when I was 18, and so realistically it couldn’t have got any easier. Back then I couldn’t wait to travel, I was more than excited to leave the island and explore a different country and had absolutely no fear. Potentially due to the blissful ignorance of having never done anything like this before, and the fact that at that point in my life I felt really trapped somewhere I didn’t want to be. But things are quite different now. I’m 4 years older, I’m an awful lot happier and I’m actually sorta enjoying being at home, who’d have thought?

After a month of easy living, the prospect of having to go back to the rainforest actually gives me a little bubble of nerves in the pit of my stomach, something I’ve never felt before. It’s been quite emotional being back at home with my family, we’ve had our ups and downs which we always do, but it’s been a joy being surrounded by loved ones and I’ve had complete freedom. I haven’t had to work, or had any responsibility of any kind actually. It’s been wonderful. I’ve spent lots of quality time with our new kitten and my bunny, I’ve been writing a lot more, playing the piano, seeing my friends, being cold, having hot showers, forgetting how it feels to be constantly sweaty and itchy, you know… all the normal stuff.

I really ought to be packing right now. I leave Wednesday lunchtime so that gives me a meagre two days to sort my life out. And that is no easy task. For anyone thinking to themselves, what is she worried about, this experience sounds incredible! Read this: Rainforest frustrations and jungle revelations. It’s not so much the place or people or situations I’m worried about, it’s more the physical experience of living there. The water that tastes so strongly of chlorine I’ve had dehydration sickness twice now, the constant itching, scratching and scabbing, the humidity that is so high I’m almost never dry, the fact that communication is dependent on how many hours a day I sit at an uncomfortable table and try and learn Spanish.

I am, of course, completely neglecting to mention all the really awesome things about living there. When I am back in Ecuador and super inspired and in love with the rainforest, I will write a post about how completely amazing it is to be living there and make you all sick with jealousy. But for now my overriding emotions are nervousness and a deep aversion to my suitcase.

12-01-2018 NLP and a personal journey

| Sophie

It’s a Friday afternoon, 6pm, pitch black outside, and I’m cosying up on my sofa with a couple of candles lit and gentle music in the background. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself today because a light cold that started just before New Years has recently turned into a horrible cough after a couple of nights drinking and subsequent poor sleep, and I’m on my period. So taking it pretty easy today. Drinking herbal tea and trying to eat healthily while craving nothing but sugar (in the form of chocolate and ice cream).

Despite all that, I’ve actually had a pretty good day. In the morning me and mum went to a fitness class (the first proper exercise I’ve done in about 4 months) and then I went for a coffee with a group of people I met last night at a Neuro-Linguistic-Programming seminar. It was led by a man named Paul Cosen (who is based in Canary Wharf) and was an introduction to NLP, organised by Sarah Brown, who is a holistic therapist (based on the Isle of Wight). I am, of course, really interested in all types of therapies and my dad is an NLP practitioner although he doesn’t actually run sessions, he completed a course more for his own emotional journey and to use the therapeutic tools in his own life.

I arrived at the seminar not knowing what to expect, and also not knowing much about what NLP is or has to offer and I’ve come away from it with a vaguely solid idea, and with the intention to book a session for myself at some point over the next couple of years. My impression is that it is a holistic amalgamation of many different (mainly) non-verbal, sensory therapies that aim to assist the mind in processing traumatic events in the past in order to move forward in a healthier, happier way. More of a mind map or toolkit with lots of techniques and exercises at a practitioners disposal, rather than a structured one-fits-all method.

The seminar started interactively with Paul getting a feel for what we wanted out of it. The general consensus was that we wanted tools for personal use, to help overcome obstacles in our lives. I didn’t speak too much as I’m not that comfortable speaking in a big group. I actually prefer one-on-one chat. Any more than a small group and I tend to sit back and stay quiet. It’s not a lack of confidence, it’s more about the fact that I do enjoy listening and learning, I don’t feel the need to share what I think with everyone (unless I have a burning question) and I really don’t like fighting to make myself heard, working to be the first and loudest when the conversation pauses in order to make my point. So consequently I don’t say much. If I had, I would have said that I wanted tools in order to get over some traumatic events in my past because I’m not over them and they affect my life on an almost daily basis. I think that a lot of issues that people have boil down to fear: fear of failure, lack of confidence, a phobia, fear of humiliation, fear of judgement etc. and I think that my main fears are of my own emotions and of people/vulnerability. I’m a very empathetic person and my emotions run strong and deep; and because I had quite a tough time growing up they just became absolutely unbearable. So for the last 3 or 4 years I’ve been slowly repressing as much angst and pain as I possibly can. I’m now so adept at it that I barely feel sad and depressed any more at all which is great, but it’s also made me slightly apathetic and unemotional, and it’s taken away my happiness too. I didn’t really notice this until I was asked by someone, when is the last time you felt real happiness? and I couldn’t remember. Not for years, I thought. I’ve just been numbly ticking along, getting shit done, sure, but not really enjoying my life. And I’m now at a point where I’m ready to move on, and have the strength to do that. For the first time in my life I have a network of people close to me that I can truly trust and rely on, and I feel safe and healthy. But that’s not something you can put into a couple of words in an interactive group session, so I mostly stayed quiet.

At the end of the seminar however I was selected to take part in an exercise called The Orgasmic Chair. Me and this other lady sat back to back and were asked to give three words that described what we wanted more of in life. My words were: happiness, love and self-acceptance. I thought they seemed pretty cliche but they were genuine and things that I’ve wanted more of for a long time now. The lady behind me said: confidence, self-belief and fun. Then we were told to close our eyes and the rest of the group walked around us in a circle saying really positive, beautiful messages using the words we had given them. Some of the women stroked our arms and our heads, and some just spoke, but the whole experience was uplifting, freeing and really quite soothing. Having been single for a long time and away from home, I don’t have much affection or intimacy in my life, so it was actually really nice to experience this brief but powerful deluge of warmth and tenderness. So rather than sexual pleasure, The Orgasmic Chair filled me with a sense of love and of being loved, which I really needed.

Then today during our coffee we had the chance to have more of an open conversation. I was able to share some of my story and receive some answers to the questions that I had which was really nice. Also Paul did a few exercises with me in order to work through particular traumatic memories: I hope it’s worked. So a really positive experience overall and I’m so glad I went! It takes a little to put yourself out there and go with an open mind, but I felt a real connection with the group and definitely plan on going to more events like these on the island, and off, in the future! I also met a women who’s going to put me in touch with her son who has studied indigenous communities in Ecuador, and is now studying fungi in Spain… very very strange coincidence! (To learn more about what I’m doing in Ecuador, read this post: Why We’re Here – The Research).

So in conclusion! Very successful day for my emotional journey. Feel like I’m actually getting somewhere I want to be and know how to keep going.

 

 

A body, judged

| Sophie

My body will never be good enough for you,

Be slim enough for you,

Be starved enough for you,

Be so deprived of food that my bones are almost showing and the life force that is flowing through my veins is slowly slowing.

Is that what you want?

In search of perfection and ideal, to sacrifice meals and be something that I’m not.

Something that I never have been.

Have I ever been slim?

Even when I’m not fat, my body likes a layer of protection that will never be shifted,

I’m curvy, not flat, I’m soft, I’m protected, I’m happy with that.

Why aren’t you?

Is it too much to ask that you appreciate me?

Appreciate the genetic hand I’ve been dealt and allow me to love me

Without your judgement.

Without your disapproving glances, your sizest stances, all I want is to learn to see myself as I truly am.

And if I saw my body through your eyes I’d be forever unhappy.

10-01-2018 Adulting and money

| Sophie

Adulting is a funny word isn’t it. The product of our social media, millenial world. I guess it’s pretty apt to describe the behaviour of 20′ something year olds who in the past would have been laboured with children at this age but now find ourselves beautifully free. So in a way I guess we’re growing up a little slower really, finding ourselves with a lot less pressure to couple up and start pumping out babies, and this term is used to summarise those few ounces of real responsibility in our lives that actually requires some adult thought and for us to take responsibility for ourselves. 

I’ve been thinking about it these last few days because I have been sorting out documents to prove my insurance claims. Now if that’s not adulting, what is?

It’s been so boring actually, the kind of boring that makes me want to chuck my neatly ordered and newly-printed documents all over the floor and stamp on them. Quite ironic isn’t it: my adult responsibilities making me want to behave like a toddler. 

But it’s all done. A million receipts printed and photocopied, all organised in the order I mention them. Well done me. At the moment I finally finished, I expectantly looked around my mums kitchen like there was someone there to congratulate me for all my hard work, give me a sticker and make me feel special. But then I realised that actually this is what being an adult is like. Having to do all of these things that you don’t actually want to do, and no one is going to thank you for it. Now all my forms are sat in a pile, waiting to be sent, which I will have to do at some point.

I hit a bit of a money cul-de-sac recently. Well, before Christmas. First time in my life I have run out of money, ever! And when I say run out, I mean, hit the bottom of my overdraft which my bank won’t let me extend. Bit of a sad story. I spent days eagerly researching if there was any possibility I could earn a bit of money on the side by writing but soon came to the conclusion that you have to put a hell of a lot of hard work in before you make anything real, and I just don’t have the time or inclination to do that right now. So next on my how-to-make-money-quick list was insurance and bursary claiming. I was going to wait until the end of my year in Ecuador and just claim it all together to get a lump sum at the end, but I’m 5 months into my year and I need the money now so…

I have had jobs since I was 15 almost continually, and I’ve always been able to earn enough to live the kind of life I want to. I work hard and a lot, but I also don’t miss out on things and that’s how I like it! But now I’m living in Ecuador there is absolutely no way for me to make any money until August, so I’m relying on student finance and anything else I can drudge up until then to get me through. In a way this is a blessing in disguise. I’ve always maintained that I spend as much as I have, and nothing more, but for the last 4 months in Ecuador that is not true, obviously. So it’s time for me to practice a bit of spending restraint and scrupulously budget, fun.

Talking of money, there’s actually a few things I need to buy now to take back with me to Ecuador, thank god for my tax rebate! Next stop, Lush and Amazon. 

09-01-2018 Dear diary introductions

| Sophie

So, I’m excited to announce that I’m going to start a ‘Dear Diary’ section in my blog. This will be for much more personal posts, and subject matter will be fairly general; just about me and my life and what I’m going through at any one time. I’m not going to publicize them as much as I do my other posts because they’re going to be more casual and also a bit more about ME, so I think I’d prefer it if my main audience is the online blogging community who tend to be a more supportive and non-judgmental bunch.

I want to do this for multiple reasons. I want to push my blog further and put a little more in / get a little more out, so blogging regularly should help gain followers and get my stats up (hopefully). Also, I want to practice writing in a hurry. Most of my blog posts take hours if not days to write, and coming up with a worthy topic only happens every couple of weeks. So this should work quite well for me. Just putting into a post what goes through my head in a day will be easy, and the pressure is a lot less to make them all perfect and valuable sources of information because a) they’re about me, b) I’m not linking them to Facebook where all my real life friends see my blog posts and c) they will sort of be sideline to the actual theme of my blog which is a holistic approach to health.

I really hope this works! If anyone reading this right now has any advice on how to make a blog more successful then please link me to blog posts you have written / thought were useful or just comment on the bottom, I promise I will follow your links / read your comments!

Thanks!

A letter to a loved one

| Sophie

Firstly, may I just say, I love you very much,

That love will never falter, a time-enduring touch

Of hearts entwined together, forever it will last.

Nothing could ever change that; future, present or past.

 

I’m sorry you’re unhappy, it breaks my fragile heart

To see you in your misery, to see you fall apart,

To see the darkness in your eyes and know that I can’t help.

You’ve got to want to live, you know, to want to help yourself.

 

If I could be your crutch, I would, if that is what you need

To help you walk the winding path of life, to take the lead.

If I could be your umbrella, protect you from the storm,

To keep you safe and dry, to always keep you warm.

 

If I could be your angel to guide you through the night,

I would give up everything to help you fight your fight.

If I could be your anchor, and hold on to you tight,

Never would I let you go for fear you would take flight.

 

But you know as well as I, it doesn’t work like that.

There’s a universal rule, an annoying caveat

That strength for change must only come from in your heart alone.

I will of course support you but in truth you’re on your own.

 

My heart is duly breaking to see you in this state,

I don’t believe for one second that this can be your fate.

I’ve had to be so strong for you, for us, for family,

The burden is too much now, it is slowly killing me.

 

So actually I need your help so please meet me halfway,

I need to see you better, become happy day by day.

So that is why I write to you, my heart is on my sleeve,

Let’s work this out together, there’s nothing we can’t achieve.

 

We’ve never lost our faith in you; the leader of our team.

It’s time to start your life again, start living out your dream.

We’re all here to support you in this time that you’re unwell,

Dear dad, I love you very much, I hope you know this well.

Sunday morning

| Sophie

Bleary eyed and fuzzy headed I wake up with a start

And feel the dryness of my mouth and hear the thudding of my heart

Which drowns out unfinished thoughts and the memories of last night

Flashing through my weary brain, withdrawing from the light

That streams in through my windows taunting me with midday sun

So I know I’ve missed the morning, I was out late having fun

Or so that is what the fragments of the visions I remember

Have led me to believe, I think I need to send a

Message to my friends just to check that all’s okay

So hungover paranoia doesn’t haunt me through the day

Like my painful throbbing headache will, reminding me that next week

I must drink a lot more water before I go to sleep,

Oh what I wouldn’t give for a glass of water now

In reach from my pillow, I’m not quite sure how

I can get up from my bed without it, my body mimicking

A sack of slowly hardening cement that’s sticking

To my mattress, I’ll be doomed if I don’t get up soon

Not sure I have the willpower to get up before the moon

Appears tonight, but I must find that will from deep inside me somewhere

Or I’ll slowly turn nocturnal, but I almost do not care

So long as I stay wrapped up in the warm cosy embrace

Of my duvet in my bedroom, my cave, my safe place.