Reflection

I reflected on my whole life through different eyes, seeing patterns and behaviours that I was not aware existed. I marvelled at how blind I had been, how capable I was of dismissing important parts of myself when I had worked so tirelessly to make myself better. I thought I knew myself, the hours I had spent self-analysing and evaluating now seeming meaningless. How could I trust any thought I had ever had after missing something so obvious?

Preface

A key detail you should know about me immediately as it is the pillar around which this book was written is that I came out at 23, first to myself then to my friends and family, as gay. Or as a lesbian. 

I tend to use both gay and lesbian interchangeably throughout this book to describe myself depending on how I’m feeling. I am gay. I am a lesbian.

Why is gay an adjective and lesbian a noun? Why can’t it be, I’m a gay. Or, I’m lesbian, like it is in Spanish, soy (I am) lesbiana.

Why am I a gay lesbian, rather than a lesbian gay?

Anyway.

Also, I want to define lesbian (or a gay woman) as women, trans women, woman-aligned and non-aligned non-binary people who identify with lesbianism, who exclusively love women. I passionately believe in an inclusive definition of lesbianism and feminism and believe in the right to self-identify as one wants without having to explain or justify themselves.

Although you could argue that this entire book is me justifying the fact that I’m gay. I’m aware of the irony.

I’m currently living with my girlfriend in Spain who’s also a lesbian, we have a flat together, kiss regularly and slap each other’s asses so I assume I am what you would constitute as a successful lesbian. I think it’s important to say the word lesbian a lot as it has a bit of a stigma attached to it. If you’re feeling uncomfortable from having read the word lesbian a lot, well then, it’s working. Lesbian.

However, I didn’t always feel this comfortable identifying like this.

When I was coming to terms with my sexuality, I looked desperately for stories like mine, but I couldn’t find anything similar. I wanted to see my experiences mirrored in those of other lesbians and to know that I wasn’t the only person in the whole world that took a little while to figure it out. Most resources are about how to come out, how to tell other people, how to deal with discrimination, how to accept yourself. All things that happen after you realize who you are. What about just not knowing? 

I decided to write this book because I don’t think the ‘before’ of when someone comes out to themselves is talked about very often. What about for those of us that didn’t figure it out until it smacked us in the face during adulthood?

Please get in touch if you would be interested in reading more…