lifestyle

A Poem For My Grandma

| Sophie

My grandma died a year ago today, and in the days after her death I wrote this poem, kind of by accident. I woke up one morning with the first few lines in my head, then spent the next 2 days bent over my notebook writing the rest. I ended up reading it out at her funeral.

A few points of information; Zap was her dog who we looked after after her death, but who also sadly passed away this year. And my grandma was an actress and a lover of classical music. She’s been greatly missed as she was a huge part of my family’s lives as she lived just up the road. May she rest in peace.

 

It’s funny, you know, when you think of death;

The last thing you think of is your own blood and flesh;

It happens to your friends, and to the people that you know;

You never think that you’ll know the person that will go.

 

Yes, okay, you have nightmares that haunt you when you wake;

But you pull yourself together and you give yourself a shake;

But this time it is not a dream, it’s very real and true;

I’m pulling, shaking, pinching, waking, it’s not working – it’s no use.

 

She’s gone, she’s really gone I realise, but somehow it’s not right;

We’ve all been robbed, her life was stolen on that awful night;

She wasn’t even ill or sad, there was so much left in her;

We all thought we had years to go, to enjoy her love and laughter.

 

So all that’s left, all that we’ve got, our collective memories;

I’d like to share mine with you now, a moment, if you please.

 

I’ll think of her when Zap looks at me with her big, brown, silky eyes;

Her questioning and searching gaze, waiting, wondering why;

I’ll think of her when I perform to soothe my dreadful stage fright;

She taught me strength and courage through her guidance and advice.

 

She loved to sit and listen to me singing with piano;

My biggest fan, so proud of me, so pleased I loved it so;

I’ll think of her when I hear ClassicFM on the radio;

She’ll live on in every note and song, in every show.

 

She’d want me to play and sing here, but I’m sorry grandma, I can’t;

Too personal with all these people, to reveal my broken heart;

But I promise to always think of her when I play or sing, or both;

In mind and spirit she’ll be there, listening and singing also.

 

Everyone here will hold a dear place for her in their heart;

Everyone will express their grief in their own way and play their part;

But for me, grandma is a song: bold, triumphant and joyful;

With rich, loving chords, a dominant melody, so beautiful and remarkable.

 

She was a source of love and light, of wisdom and support;

A source of laughter, logic, care and of course much more;

I’m so grateful for what she’s given me already, my dear grandma;

She’s shaped me as a person so lives on in me forever.

 

I won’t say goodbye to her, but goodbye for now;

I’ll see her again someday, after life, in death, somehow;

She’ll be watching over us, of that I’m completely sure;

Now I have a guardian angel to protect me evermore.

 

Thank you all for coming and for honouring her life;

A sister, daughter, mother, grandma, friend, girlfriend and wife;

We love her all so very much, that love will never die;

In heaven now, at peace and rest, she’s watching from the sky.

 

Are cocktails giving you brain damage?

| Sophie

Well yes, they are actually.

Do I still love them? Yes, they’re pretty and yummy.

This post is about increasing awareness rather than personally condemning everyone that drinks (myself included) and just hopefully inspiring people to ask a few more questions and take the issue a little bit more seriously.

One quick comment before I bombard you with scary facts: it can be really hard in life to get it all right and be healthy all the time, and I’m not saying you should be all at once, it’s a process. We’re all under so much pressure in this world already without feeling like we can’t enjoy simple pleasures and let loose every so often. It’s important to not feel deprived and to make fulfilling choices that feel good. I personally am working towards a mental state where I feel great about making the healthiest choice, and it’s a really exciting journey. I’m writing this post to inform you, and with some hope that the next time you face a choice about how much to drink, there will be a little voice in your head that thinks of your liver and says, ‘ooh maybe I shouldn’t have that 3rd shot of tequila’.

Alcohol is, unfortunately, one of the biggest killers in the world, sorry, but it’s true. Alcohol abuse is embedded into our society to such an extent that most people wouldn’t go to social occasions or music events etc. if they weren’t going to drink. Decreased inhibitions, questionable decisions and ‘hilarious’ displays of clumsiness (aka your brain shutting down) seem to be the only way that we can go out, enjoy ourselves and fit in.

I am by no means tee-total or have any desire to become so while I’m still at university, but it’s something I’d really like to be by the time I’m 30 – I figure/hope that most of the damage can be undone (or at least slightly repaired) while I’m still young. And yes, 30 is still young.

I’m writing a Lab Report on the ‘Effects of Ethanol on Performance’ and subsequently have done a lot of research to find out what exactly ethanol does when it enters our body. My research has included reading other lab reports, medical reviews and reports done by the World Health Organisation and Public Health England, and also stuff I learn at Uni.

The first thing that shocked me was the amount of evidence proving how bad alcohol is for you and the fact that it is a misconception that a little bit is good for you. No alcohol is good for you. Period. What’s good for you is the other nutrients in the drink e.g. antioxidants in wine, yeast in beer etc. When mainstream attitude to smoking changed around 2005/2006, the government ruled that all smoking products must have visual and written warnings of its harmful effects, but alcohol kills more people than cigarettes do! Where are the pictures showing brain damage and rotting livers on alcoholic drinks? The list of potential poor decisions and the consequences of emotional and psychological trauma. I know this has turned heavy pretty quick, but we all know someone who’s life has been ruined by alcohol.

Annually, alcohol abuse costs the total British economy £21bn and the NHS £3.5bn. If our nation was so desperate to improve the economy and save our NHS, we should have all stopped drinking, not quit one of the most successful Unions in the world. England and the USA are among the top 20 heaviest drinkers in the world and all of the top 10 countries are in Europe (Global Status Report on Alcohol and Health in 2014).

Alcohol is a Central Nervous System (CNS) depressant. Your CNS is made up of your brain and spinal cord and controls most functions in your body and mind. Ethanol (the alcoholic component of drinks) depresses the CNS; in other words, slows it down and stops it from working. Ethanol acts on various receptors in the brain in order to increase inhibitory signals and decrease excitatory signals: this results in decreased motor (movement) functions, confused thoughts, decreased awareness and poor coordination. It also interferes with your ability to lay down memories and to learn by blocking specific signalling pathways and decreasing the actions of neurotransmitters (Glutamate) in specific parts of the brain (hippocampus, amygdala and striatum). You’re all thinking, “well yes we know all that!” “I frequently wake up with no recollection of the night before.” “My friend was throwing up all night last week, it was hilarious.” Why? Why is it funny to see people poison themselves to the point where their body has to reject everything in their stomach so their organs don’t shut down?

Prolonged drinking causes irreparable damage in the brain, destroys your liver and diminishes your immune system. Short-term drinking decreases the effects of your immune system, making you much more likely to contract a virus or bacterial infection after a night out; and long-term drinking increases the immune system, causing inflammatory diseases and internal damage. Alcohol is commonly known to be bad for people with digestive disorders including IBS and interferes with a lot of medications.

Quick fact: the reason people with less body fat get drunk quicker is because alcohol is very soluble in water but not soluble in fat. So if you have more fat cells in your body, alcohol is less likely to pass out of your blood, and will head straight to the liver to get broken down. It also makes sense that if you’re a bigger/taller person, there’s more blood for alcohol to get absorbed into, thus the concentration of ethanol at any one point in your body will be less.

I understand that it is very important for people to belong in their society and to fit in with cultural norms, evolutionary speaking this was essential for our survival, and social drinking is a part of that. I’m not writing this to try and convince everybody to stop drinking and boycott all bars and nightclubs, I’m writing this just to draw your attention to it. The next time your friend chooses not to drink on a night out, respect that decision. If you see your friend about to cross the line between drunk and smashed, give them a glass of water. Value yourself sober. Your sober self is good enough, fun enough and happy enough. And if you turn to drink to escape life, have a good look at what you’re escaping from and try and fix that instead, rather than just forgetting it for a night.

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Albert Schloss Espresso Martini

I am a big believer in moderation, balance and self-awareness. Doing what works for you is the most important thing, and it’s vital that you pay attention to yourself and your body so that you can recognise if and when drinking becomes a real problem in your life. Drink to enjoy, not to forget.

My last message will be this:

Be safe, be aware, be kind to yourself and to others.

Affirmations – learning to thank ourselves

| Sophie

I think we all need reminding sometimes to thank our bodies for all the work that it does. It’s easy to get caught up in minor details about your self that you don’t like, details that no-one notices but you, and to beat yourself up about things that actually don’t matter in the scheme of life. It’s not often that we look at ourselves in the mirror and see a throat that has the power to inspire, support and love; or a chest that keeps us alive; or a brain that has the intelligence to imagine the most creative and amazing ideas, calculate risks and probabilities and make sure our bodies are running smoothly.

I was inspired to write this post because my self confidence has been a bit low lately. I gained some weight over exams due to snacking and a sprained ankle so lack of exercise, so I’ve not really been feeling myself. I go on holiday in a week and haven’t managed to loose the weight during summer so this has led to me not liking the way I am at the moment. So today I went for a run, mainly because I had a load of peanut butter and Nutella when I got home from work, but also because I wanted to do SOMETHING, even though I thought it wouldn’t make a huge difference. However it did make a difference,  just not in the way I expected; it may not have lost me any pounds, but it did put things into perspective. I didn’t expect to, but I really impressed myself.

I remember a time a few years ago when I couldn’t even run for a minute without almost passing out, and now I find running 3 or 4km actually quite easy, almost enjoyable in fact (I NEVER thought I’d find running anything but hideous torture). Then I got home, and did some yoga in the garden, and I felt inspired to thank the different parts of my body.

I thanked my legs for carrying me from A to B, for allowing me to drive to work, to jump and to skip and to balance.

I thanked my heart for pumping blood around my body, without me worrying constantly that it might stop working.

I thanked my brain for giving me control over my body and thoughts, and giving me the power to do anything that I put my mind to.

I thanked my voice for giving me the gift of easy communication, for singing and laughing.

I thanked my ears for allowing me to hear the messages others have for me.

I thanked my eyes, to watch the beautiful sunset tonight, to admire the moon and enjoy the vivid colours in my garden.

I thanked my hands for allowing me to type and play the piano.

There are lots of parts of myself that I don’t particularly like, I could list them here but I don’t see the point. The affirmations made me realise that I should start appreciating my body for the perfect machine that it is, and what it makes me capable of doing. My imperfections are a mirror of standards set by the media, and I can choose to see past them. Who cares if I’m not slim? I just ran 5km in a decent time. Who cares if I have huge hands? I play the piano really well. Who cares if I get the occasional spot? My skin is soft and I look after it. There’s two sides to every coin, a yin to every yang, the ray of light to every shadow. Choose to see the good in yourself, and you’ll realise that other people a) don’t notice and b) don’t care. Seriously, if you’re a happy, friendly person, other people won’t see half as much as you think they do. Be kind to yourself because 9 times out of 10, you are your own worst enemy, which is actually a good thing. You can’t change how other people think, but you can change how you think.